Chr. But what was the cause of your carrying of it thus to the first workings of God's blessed Spirit upon you? REASONS OF HIS RE Hope. The causes were, 1. I was SISTING THE LIGHT. ignorant that this was the work of God upon me. I never thought that, by awakenings for sin, God at first begins the conversion of a sinner. 2. Sin was yet very sweet to my flesh, and I was loath to leave it. 3. I could not tell how to part with mine old companions, their presence and actions were so desirable unto me. 4. The hours in which convictions came upon me were such troublesome and such heartaffrighting hours, that I could not bear, no, not so much as the remembrance of them upon my heart. Chr. Then, as it seems, sometimes you got rid of your trouble? Hope. Yes, verily; but it would come into my mind again, and then I should be as bad, nay, worse than I was before. Chr. Why, what was it that brought your sins to mind again? WHEN HE HAD LOST HIS SENSE of sin, WHAT BROUGHT IT Bible; or, Hope. Many things; as, 1. If I did but meet a good man in the streets; or, 2. If I have heard any read in the 3. If mine head did begin to ache; or, 4. If I were told that some of my neighbours were sick; or, or, 5. If I heard the bell toll for some that were dead; 6. If I thought of dying myself; or, 7. If I heard that sudden death happened to others: 8. But especially when I thought of myself, that I must quickly come to judgement. Chr. And could you, at any time, with ease, get off the guilt of sin, when by any of these ways it came upon you? Hope. No, not I: for then they got faster hold of my conscience. And then, if I did but think of going back to sin, (though my mind was turned against it,) it would be double torment to me. Chr. And how did you then? Hope. I thought I must endeavour to mend my life; or else, thought I, I am sure to be damned. Chr. And did you endeavour to mend? WHEN HE COULD NO LONGER SHAKE OFF HIS GUILT BY Hope. Yes; and fled from not only my sins, but sinful company too, and betook me to religious duties, as praying, reading, weeping for sin, speaking truth to my neighbours, &c. These things did I, with many others, too much here to relate. Chr. And did you think yourself well then? Hope. Yes, for a while; but at THEN HE THOUGHT the last my trouble came tumbling HIMSELF WELL. upon me again, and that over the neck of all my reformations. Chr. How came that about, since you were now reformed? Hope. There were several things brought it upon me, especially such sayings as these: "All our righteous REFORMATION AT nesses are as filthy rags.' "2 "By the works of the law no 2 Isaiah, lxiv. 6. man shall be justified."3 "When ye have done all these things, say, we are unprofitable;" with many more such like. From whence I began to reason with myself thus: If all my righteousnesses are as filthy rags; if, by the deeds of the law, no man can be justified; and if, when we have done all, we are yet unprofitable, then it is but folly to think of Heaven by the Law. I farther thought thus: If a man runs an hundred pounds into the shopkeeper's debt, and after that HIS BEING A DEBTOR shall pay for all that he shall fetch, yet if his old debt stand still in the book uncrossed, the shopkeeper may sue him for it, and cast him into prison, till he shall pay the debt. Chr. Well, and how did you apply this to yourself? Hope. Why I thought thus with myself: I have by my sins run a great way into God's book, and that my now reforming will not pay off that score; therefore I should think still, under all my present amendments, but how shall I be freed from that damnation that I brought myself in danger of by my former transgressions? Chr. A very good application: but pray go on. HIS ESPYING BAD Hope. Another thing that hath troubled me ever since my late amendments is, that if I look narrowly into the best of what I do now, I still see sin, new sin, mixing itself with the best of that I do; so that now I am forced to conclude, that, notwithstanding my former fond conceits of myself and duties, I have committed sin enough in one day to send me to hell, though my former life had been faultless. 3 Gal. ii. 16. 4 Luke, xvii. 10. Chr. And what did you then? THIS MADE HIM Hope. Do? I could not tell what to do, until I broke my mind to Faithful; for he and I were well acquainted: and he told me, that unless I could obtain the Righteousness of a Man that never had sinned, neither mine own, nor all the righteousness of the world could save me. THE WAY TO BE Chr. And did you think he spake true? Hope. Had he told me so when I was pleased and satisfied with mine own amendments, I had called him fool for his pains; but now, since I see mine own infirmity, and the sin which cleaves to my best performance, I have been forced to be of his opinion. Chr. But did you think, when at first he suggested it to you, that there was such a Man to be found, of whom it might justly be said, that he never committed sin ? Hope. I must confess the words at first sounded strangely; but, after a little more talk and company with him, I had full conviction about it. AT WHICH HE STARTED AT PRESENT. Chr. And did you ask him what man this was, and how you must be justified by him? Hope. Yes; and he told me it was the Lord Jesus, that dwelleth on the right hand of the Most High.5 And thus said he, you must be justified by him, even by trusting to what he hath done by himself in A MORE PARTICULAR the days of his Flesh, and suffered, when he did hang I asked him further, How that Man's on the tree. 5 Heb. x. Rom. iv. 25. Col. i. 14. 1 Pet. i. 19. Righteousness could be of such efficacy as to justify another before God? And he told me, he was the Mighty God, and did what he did, and died the death also, not for himself, but for me; to whom his doings, and the worthiness of them, should be imputed, if I believed on him. Chr. And what did you do then? HE DOUBTS OF Hope. I made my objections against ACCEPTATION. my believing, for that I thought He was not willing to save me. Chr. And what said Faithful to you then? HE IS BETTER Hope. He bad me go to Him and see. Then I said it was presumption. He said, No; for I was invited to come. Then he gave me a book of Jesus his inditing, to encourage me the more freely to come; and he said, concerning that book, That every jot and tittle thereof stood firmer than heaven and earth. Then I asked him, What I must do when I came? and he told me, I must entreat upon my knees, with all my heart and soul, the Father to reveal Him to me. Then I asked him further, How I must make my supplications to Him?9 And he said, Go, and thou shalt find Him upon a Mercy-Seat ;1 where he sits all the year long, to give pardon and forgiveness to them that come. I told him that I knew not what to say when I came. And he bid me say to this effect, "God be merciful to me a sinner!" and make me know and believe in Jesus Christ: for I see, that if his Righteousness had not been, or I have not faith in that Righteous HE IS BID 6 Matth. xi. 28. 7 Ibid. xxiv. 35. 9 Jer. xxix. 12, 13. 8 Psalm xcv. 6. Dan. vi. 10. 1 Exod. xxv. 22. |