Gambar halaman
PDF
ePub

Long have I desired to know the desolations that have been made in the holy city, and preach deliverance to the captive Israelites. Should I ever be employed as a missionary, Palestine seems to be the place in which I should delight to labor. I merely mention this, as the idea has been long fondly cherished.

Be so kind as to return the certificate in your answer. Yours in the best of causes,

JOHN R. M' DOWALL.

P. S. Perhaps you may like to know my confession of faith. It is that of the church of Scotland, or the Dutch church. My age 22 years. Any observation you please to make, will be thankfully received, J. M'D.

21. In poor health. The Lord truly makes my "wickedness correct me, and my backslidings reprove me;" for I have been as ungovernable as the mountain ass, seeking my own pleasure, despising the admonitions of the Most High God, and running whithersoever I would.

Monday, August 25, 1823.-This day my friend Wm. M'Pherson leaves Canada for the college.

26. Much disturbed in mind. O God, hide not from me the light of thy life-giving countenance, as I have hidden myself from thee. O may I abound more in prayer, for my heart is dreary.

September 18. Whether I shall ever go as a missionary or not to the heathen, is undecided in my mind, and I do not expect to come to a determination until I have finished my studies of an end of which there is no prospect at present.

I have a mind that is very much agitated. O what must not my punishment be, unless the Lord melt this rebellious heart in love to him. Worm that I am, to struggle against my Maker God! "Who shall deliver me from the

body of this death!" O Savior, come "leaping" over the mountains of my sins, and skipping over the hills of my provocation.

In this trying hour hide not from me the light of thy countenance, O most gracious Father, but deliver me from blood-guiltiness. "Keep me, O Lord, as the apple of thine eye," and suffer not Satan to drive me into despair.

When to my study I take myself, that cloud which has darkened the prospects of my receiving a liberal education, from infancy, seems to gather blackness and expell all the hopes which I once so fondly entertained. It is trying-it is heart-rending-to let go the idea; but henceforth enable me, O most gracious God, by thy grace, to be resigned, and not murmur. O keep thine everlasting arms round about me, lest I fall into the pit of everlasting destruction.

66

Disappointment is as poison to my constitution. O God, I have sinned-sinned willfully. The soul that sinneth thus, it shall die," says the law. O Lord, bring me to repentance, and create a new heart within me.

The next notice he has made in his Journal, is dated Sackett's Harbor, on his way to Amherst Institution. How the obstructions were removed, which had so long kept him in painful suspense, he has not told us.

October 22.-Sackett's Harbor, half past three. I left Canada, (Kingston.) Oct. 27, Albany, went to the north Dutch church; heard Mr. Ludlow, from Hebrews, 11. Derived great consolation from the discourse, and received new desires, and more fervent zeal to prosecute my undertakings. As Moses left his dignities, and counted it greater riches to follow the Lord; so may I, O thou God of Jacob, take up my cross and follow thee, as well through evil as good report. Be with me during the remaining part of this day keep me from sinning against thee.

AMHERST, Massachusetts.

November 4, 1823.—It is a fortnight to day since I left my Father's house. Lord, this is the first pledge, or most solemn act, by which I have testified my resignation to thy will. O make me more so. Grant me thy Spirit, and enable me to undergo the fatigue of a regular course of education. In thee, O Lord, I trust. May I never be confounded.

5th. Entered the Academy this day, and commenced the Greek Grammar.

CHAPTER V.

EXERCISES OF HIS MIND AT AMHERST.

Joy in God-Temptations-Coldness-Slow progress-Self-abasement-Sanctuary and social privileges.-The heathen-The Jews-Longing desires for their Conversion—Anxiety to visit Jerusalem, and labor in Palestine. He unites with the church in Amherst-Pecuniary destitution-Spiritual distresses-Instruction of Children.

9th. Sabbath evening.-Magnify the Lord, O my soul, and all the powers within. O how beautiful are the feet of those who bring the sound of salvation. Here thy church shines in glorious robes. Here glory is given to thee, in the highest. Rise, my soul, on the pinions of a dove, and come away to Jesus. O slumber not.

November 27th.-Great temptations assail me; the deceitfulness of the heart, the "lust of the eye," and unholy desires, continually add to the black and already overgrown catalogue of my sins and blasphemies. The Lord is good ; his mercy has been more conspicuous than his justice towards me.

Sabbath, 30th.-Heard Professor Otis in the morning,

In your patience possess ye your souls." Mr. Clark in the afternoon, "They will reverence my son." I am cold; the Lord has taken away his Spirit. I do not delight in his worship as I have formerly. What have I done, O my God, to offend thee so much? O pity me, for I am but a sinner and a man. O Jesus, feed me with_spiritual bread, and give me the water of life to drink.

It has pleased the Lord to bear with me in a gentle manner during my illness, which continued about three weeks. O thank the Lord, my soul, for all his goodness, and forget not his loving-kindness.

[ocr errors]

Sabbath morning, Dec. 27th.-Keep me from sinning against thee this day. Forbid that I should yield my members instruments of unrighteousness, because I have a hope of having passed from death unto life. But may I press forward towards the mark of the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." I pray thou wilt grant me health, and strength, and a retentive memory, with all wisdom that may be necessary to facilitate my studies, so hat at last I may become a shining light in thy church. January, 1824.-More than twenty-two years have passed by since I have had a being; but O how little progress have I made in the christian life. The probability is I shall not see as many more. O that I were wise— that I would but put on the whole armor of salvation.

Sabbath morning, 1824.-When I consider myself an accountable being and free moral agent, and contrast the requisitions of God with my character, I find that to me there is nothing but condemnation. Out of my heart proceed thoughts blasphemous in their nature, desires unlawful in their tendency: a heart black as night, corrupt, deformed, and hateful, as a cage of unclean birds. I will come to my God and my Savior, and at the foot of his cross look for mercy.

February 29th, 1824. Fast-day for colleges and academies. Met in the church-many very interesting remarks

made. It was a day in which my soul was apparently caught up from earth a while to converse with its God.

O what self-abasing views I had of the evil of my heart. No good thing can proceed from thence till Jesus wash it in his blood.

Sabbath evening, 28th.—This night I was, by the rules of the United Brethren, called to take the lead in the services. Feeling that I had not walked according to the requisitions of the Gospel, I could not say to my brother, "Let me pull out the mote from your eye."

The close of last term-subject of meditation. Many who then met with us are not with us now. Some we hope were sons and daughters of the Highest. There are some now in our number of a similar character. The eyes of the impenitent are upon us-the eyes of the brethren-of angels-of seraphims-yea, of God himself, are upon us. We are closely hedged up on every side.

One dear brother observed, he did not know he was so cool till he visited a society near his father's, where was a revival of religion. We had better say but little of self: it is hazardous to speak of our elated feelings, because in a short time we may become like "fine gold, dim.”

It will give the adversary an opportunity to injure the divine cause.

We complain at the close of every term of coldness. Do we feel what we say? Is there not a profession of words while the heart does not assent? Do we gain any thing by living a life of such stupidity? Is it beneficial to our studies? Does coldness promote happiness? Will it not rather plant thorns in our pillow, and darken our prospects for eternity?

Sabbath, 29th.-During the past week thousands of prayers have been offered up for us. The contrite and meek, the humble and lowly, wrestled no doubt for us. Let us come humbly and faithfully, trusting in God's sa

« SebelumnyaLanjutkan »