made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed 6th chapter of St. John. I did not now, as at other times, look principally for comfort, though, oh, how welcome would it have been unto me! But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not sink forever! it was that I hunted for.

Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul forever, I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from him, as with a flaming sword. Then would I think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to law. (Esther iv. 16.) I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy, (1 Kings xx. 31,) &c. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, (Matt. xv. 22,) &c., and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, (Luke i. 5, 6, 7, 8,) &c., were also great encouragement to me.

(Job

I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins do draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had twice as much as he had before. xlii. 13.) Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did. I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strangé apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it; it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.

Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. After I had propounded to the

church, that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them; while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was his last supper with his disciples before his death, that Scripture, "Do this in remembrance of me," was a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if he plunged me in the virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptation did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof; that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies; and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it were from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was because I did not with that reverence that became me, at first approach to partake thereof.

Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease; but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same Scripture, by which my soul was visited before; and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord's body, as broken for my sins, and that his precious blood had been shed for my transgressions.

Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come; for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavor to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.

But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins

and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction, namely, my deadness, dullness, and coldness in my holy duties; my wanderings of heart, my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, his ways and people, with this at the end of all, "Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these the tokens of a blessed man?"

At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me, for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen; now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, "Live I must not, die I dare not." Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, "Ye are justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." But oh! what a turn it made upon me!

Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus spoken to me: "Sinner, thou thinkest, that because of thy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold, my Son is by me, and upon him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with him." At this I was greatly enlightened in my mind, and made to understand, that if God could justify a sinner at any time, it was but his looking upon Christ, and imputing of his benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.

And as I was thus in a muse, that Scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, "Not by the works of righteousness that we have done, but according to his mercy he hath saved us." Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, "Let me die." Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw, "We shall never live indeed, till we be gone to the other world." Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, "Heirs of God," than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world. "Heirs of God!" God

himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

Again, I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly, (for I find that he is much for assaulting the soul when it begins to approach towards the grave; then is his opportunity,) laboring to hide from me my former experience of God's goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying forever, (should I now die,) I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, there was no way, but to hell I must; but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel's carrying Lazarus into Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, "So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world." This did sweetly revive my spirits, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?" At this I became both well in my body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.

At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savory in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life. I was also so overrun in my soul with a senseless, heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.

After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, "I must go to Jesus," at this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, "Wife," said I, "is there ever such

a Scripture, 'I must go to Jesus'?" She said she could not tell; therefore I stood musing still, to see if I could remember such a place; I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, "And to an innumerable company of angels;" and withal the 12th chapter of Hebrews, about the Mount Sion was set before mine eyes.

Then with joy I told my wife, "Oh! now I know, I know!" But that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of God's people, that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning, yet the 12th chapter of the Hebrews was a blessed Scripture to me for many days together after this.

The words are these: "Ye are come to Mount Sion, to the city of the living God, to the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the first-born, which are written in heaven; to God the Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus, the Mediator of the New Testament, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel." Through this sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me!

THE END