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Even when under an apprehension that I may never live to be brought out of my difficulty, I feel as though I could say, “either • life or death, 'tis equal weight.' I believe it shall be well with me if called hence; and, if I be spared, Oh may. I live to God! Truly can I say it, I feel, I fear nothing so much as for the dearest object of my delight and love. Here is a tie that I cannot easily give up: my soul cleaves to him; I pray over him, and could often weep too, but I fear distressing him. This animates me to keep up my spirits. LORD support him!
Hitherto the LORD hath helped me surprisingly indeed! My comforts and consolations are very great. It seems sometimes to me as if the LORD had so determined that I should not despond, that if I stood in need of every promise in his word, it was at my command; for I feel a redundance of spiritual
support. Never any thing to be compared with it before !-Neither did
situation ever call for so much. I am not discomposed at any thing. In fact, I know not what I could not wade through: all “ I can do all things through Christ which “ strengtheneth me.' Yet sometimes unbelief will suggest, that I am not come to the trying hour, nor do I know what that is, nor how I shall stand it, &c.: but these are as it were, momentary; for faith replies, “ Fear not, I will be with thee, &c.;" “ Call
upon me in the day of trouble, I will deliver “ thee, and thou shalt glorify me.” And a vast variety of promises beside, crowd into my mind, so that I cannot give way to sorrow of heart : and, at all events, it would be folly; for, “ He is of one mind, and who can “ turn him?" He will perform the thing that is appointed for me, and whether life or death, I trust that all shall be well. If it be his heavenly will, I earnestly wish, that,
however severe and trying my pains of body may be, yet that I may not be left under an impatient spirit ; but that he would graciously prevent me from murmuring, and from peevishly speaking foolishly and unadvisedly with my lips. My heart's desire is, that I may then be enabled to glorify him, to bear a testimony to all about me of the reality of religion; and that it will indeed support me under those trials which nature shrinks at, recoils from, and often sinks under.-Oh that in the moment of my greatest pain, I may have near and precious views of my interest in covenant-love and mercy! May my mind be composed ; in a state of entire resignation to the LORD, however he may determine respecting me and mine! May I be enabled, while nature cries “ if it be “possible, let this cup pass from me"cheerfully to say, “not my will, but thine be done!”—The LORD make me one instance of the power of divine grace, in supporting
me under the pains and difficulties of childbirth, and to him shall be all the praise for ever and ever!
I never had better spirits, if so good! And this is a great comfort, because I am enabled to behave cheerfully before my dearest love ; and I trust my eyes are ever up to the LORD for deliverance. I would not wish to be carnally cheerful, to have a light and trifling mind : this would be a cross instead of a blessing. Oh may the LORD continue to stand by, and uphold me, even to the
end ! But be this as it may, and should it be the last time of my writing here, let those into whose hands these lines may fall, take encouragement henceforth, from what has been done for me in a situation I once so much dreaded, to put their whole and sole confidence in the God of Jacob; for they may be well assured, there is nothing too
very end !
hard for him to do, and none that ever trusted in him shall finally be put to shạme.
“ Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, “ whose mind is stayed on thee”—and I bless the LORD that this is greatly my case indeed. I scarcely ever know a variation from a steady trust and repose on the mercy of my God. He will, I think, he surely will, stand by to succour and support me in the moment of my extremity. Surely he will continue to vouchsafe me strength of body and vigour of mind, equal to the most trying pain. May I be enabled to glorify him in the fire! And, Oh that he may give me patience, and graciously prevent my murmuring under pain, or speaking unadvisedly with my lips! Rather may I be dumb with silence, and open not my mouth; remembering how far short it is of my deserts, how infinitely short of what my blessed Master