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the christian. It is my earnest desire, and I acknowledge it to be a great matter, to adorn the profession of the Gospel, by a consistent deportment; to fill up with credit to religion, my relative duties, so that even enemies may be constrained to speak well of me.
Oh for wisdom, prudence, patience and humility, to behave in the different relations I shall stand in, according to the dictates of the word of God !
I can emphatically say, that it has been good for me to be afflicted, that I have thus borne the yoke in my youth ; and I will not fear, that God, who hath strengthened and supported me, will leave me the prey of the enemy, but trust, that he will assuredly, and in due time bring me to the end and issue
troubles. Alas! I am so unfit for the situation before me! I feel such inability, I believe I should be like Solomon: if the
Lord were to put it to me, what, beyond all other things, I would chuse, it should be wisdom, in preference to riches or any other gift whatever. He has invited me to ask this of him, and I do so ; but I want the wisdom for the situation, before I am brought into it.
. : June 24.: Methinks I am a fit subject for the exercise of mercy: I am needy, and I feel myself to be so.—The Lord knows and only knows, how often these words are on my lips—Oh for wisdom! This petition seems to comprehend all that I want. My mind often runs on the importance of being placed as the mother to a motherless child ; and I find it a hard matter to satisfy myself that there is any fitness in me for it. I am afraid to speak I dread the deceitfulness of my own heart, lest my future conduct towards him (which the LORD in mercy prevent !) should belie my present professions of regard and tenderness.
The LORD looks to the heart, and knows how much I wish to act just such a part in every respect, as I should be satisfied any one should act towards mine, if ever I should be called to leave a helpless babe. I know not at present, what it is to be a mother ; but I think nothing less would satisfy my mind, than a confidence that a person would treat my child with the most peculiar tenderness and affection : and yet, I think I could wish that the needed reproof should also be seasonably given ; but then with a mixture of parental love and regard, and never without a single eye to the glory of God and the good of the child. It should also be, as a trial and task to the person reproving, and never to gratify a warmth of temper or feeling of resentment. I should likewise wish the mother of my bereaved child to bear it affectionately on her mind before the LORD ; that she should pray for it as her own; that she should be willing to deny herself on its
account. How many pre-requisites could I now write, that would be the desires of my heart, if on a dying bed, with a prospect of leaving an infant babe in a sinful ensnaring world, separated from the guide of its youth! and in this respect, the LORD will bear me witness, that I am not partial to myself ; but that all which I have written, and far more, I would wish to be to that dear boy who may be entrusted to my charge ; and I shall esteem it a high honour, if the LORD enable me, in such a degree as I could wish, tó act the mother's part to him. As yet, he has never known his loss : the LORD grant that by being brought into a near relation to one so unworthy, he never may!,. iii
July 25. Oh how I long for wisdom! And will the Lord indeed condescend to remember his unworthy servant, by bestowing such an ample portion of it, as to fit her for filling up the very important relation of a mother? which, of all things, lies with the most weight upon my mind. To act as in the fear of God; to conduct myself uniformly with the greatest affection and prudence towards him ; so to behave, as to leave no room for reflection from him in riper years, from his dear and honoured father, or from the accusations of a tender conscience in myself, which I trust I shall be governed by: these are considerations of no small moment. They require the greatest wisdom and circumspection. The LORD grant it to me, according to the frequent ardent wishes and desires of my heart!