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Son, merely crediting the testimony of the ETERNAL Truth. But sometimes, (I desire to write it with humility,) while engaged with my spiritual foe, I am almost afraid he will reason me out of all the Religion I ever had, (if its a fact I ever had any.) This questioning frame of mind, together with the conduct of many persons, who have renounced the faith they seemed once so warmly to maintain, makes me tread, I hope, cautiously ; sometimes indeed almost always) doubting, as such eminent characters have fallen, what will become of me, who am as a mere nothing : yet it has made me pray in fervency of spirit, “ LORD, hold thou me up, and I “ shall be safe.”—If thou leave me, but for a moment, I shall, I must relinquish the battle, in spite of all I have boasted to the contrary.
. January 22, 1792. Many, very many are the changes which I have lately witnessed; and I find it hard to
believe that all these things shall work together for good. It is my sincere and earnest prayer, that it would please the LORD, in his infinite wisdom, to prepare me for whatever he has prepared for me. I am still the same dependent creature as ever : Nay, more so, for I find less ability to help myself at this juncture than ever ; and it may easily be accounted for : I never had affairs of the like importance, which so evidently called for my consideration. How fondly, how foolishly have I promised myself happiness, if ever I should be brought into this situation ! but I desire to see the wisdom of God, in writing vanity on every creature-good. Oh that it may have a right effect on me, and teach me to cease from man, and cleave to God! that spiritual, that eternal Rock of ages, who is immutable, “the same yester"day, to-day and for ever.”
Oh what a lost, utterly helpless and deformed wretched sinner I am! Methinks, I never more clearly saw the need of atonement being made for sin, than within these few weeks. Oh when shall I be delivered, not only from the curse, but from the very being of sin ? LORD, hasten that blessed time! and, when thou sayest, Come, may my waiting spirit, reply quickly, welcome, welcome!
I waked in the morning (I was going to say as usual,) with my mind and spirits much depressed, fearfully expecting I should hear something very, very distressing : but my ever gracious God hath been abundantly better to me than my anxious fears. Oh how often do Į thus disquiet myself in vain ! one would think that by continued experience I should learn better: but I find
nothing short of almighty power can make me any way composed, when I am brought into a state of suspense. I have had my mind much exercised, from those words in the Psalmist : speaking of the righteous, ,
“ He shall not be afraid of evil tidings;" How then say I, can I be a child of God, when I am almost in perpetual fear on one account or another? Oh that the God of my mercies, would preserve me from all unnecessary apprehensions, and from the horrible gloomy thoughts that have possessed me respecting the hour of death!
I have been before the LORD, but I am afraid, not in an acceptable way. I do fear that my ways are not pleasing in his sight, and it is said “if I regard iniquity in my heart, the LORD will not hear me.” Oh that he would grant me a true discovery of
my secret motives and intentions ! and that he
would make me to know and do his will ! as I am sure, that “to obey is better than “ sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of
I desire to be enabled to keep a strict watch over what passes within. I have much to be humbled for, yet I feel a disposition to be proud. How are we fallen ! “ My soul cleaveth to the dust :” Quicken thou me, and make me accepted in the beloved LORD JESUS!
The tender mercies of the LORD have been over me, and preserved me to the close of another week. I have had experience of his kindness to me, not only in a providential, but in a spiritual way. Yesterday morning and the morning before, as well as this, I have had very precious times in prayer. My soul seems to have a fresh tye to the LORD, and I have felt myself particularly united and bound to him. He hath said “ Give