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through Jordan's stream; and in the hour of death still believing and avowing that there is such a thing as true religion, and that I have not been following “ cunningly devised fa“ bles,” in the time of youth, health, and strength, which will not stand by me when “ flesh and heart shall fail.” But, amid all my many and perplexing doubts in this matter, I am not altogether without hope: the LORD does make me very thankful, and at times to rejoice in that precious declaration, (Oh, that the words were written in letters of gold upon my heart!).“ He came to deliver " them who, through fear of death, were all “ their life-time subject to bondage.”
December 17. I have, as usual, great reason to be humbled before God, and yet I am proud! What a sinner I am! I have so little faith, I can scarcely believe at all. I am afraid of presüming, and the LORD knows I dread a de
ception' where eternal concerns are at stake. Oh, that he would lead me in the way everlasting, for the glory of his great and holy name!
What has passed this evening demands great humiliation of heart from me, before a sin-hating God. I hope I have not been permitted to tell a wilful untruth; but I am persuaded I have gone very near it. I have felt a sad spirit working within me: it was not much to be perceived outwardly, though I spoke in one instance very warmly, and have therefore made myself much uneasiness. I hope and trust I have been humbled under a sense of it before God. Indeed, I do not know when sin has appeared so hateful to me as at this time: I think the LORD has been pleased to make me feel, that it is an evil and bitter thing to depart from him; and I pray that he will continue to give me such
experience, when I'am sinning against him! O, that he would pardon me, create in me a clean heart, put his fear in my mind, and remove far from me the way of lying! that he would make me more like Jesus in my temper and disposition, that I might be meek and mild in my conversation!
January 21, 1793. I have daily, on one score or another, reason to lament and bewail before a heartsearching GOD, how little it is with me as it ought to be. Such a sinful nature, and such evil propensities need daily correction and reproof: and yet if he were to enter into judgment with me for the very least of my sins and offences against him, conscious I am that I should never be able to stand the contest. Oh, that he would be pleased to give me a very tender conscience, susceptible of the least wrong done to him or to my fellow creatures; that he would for the future grant that I may have strength to withstand every enemy, and to walk more worthy of the character of one who professes “ not to be con“ formed to this world, but to be transformed “ by the renewing of the mind!".
February 20. The times are very dark—the LORD only knows what will be the issue of the heavy clouds that hang over our guilty heads as a nation. We are threatened with war-May I remember that there is not evil in a city but what comes from the hand of the LORD; that it is by him kings reign, &c.; and that if war be determined, it matters not who is against, if He, be for us. May He in great mercy appear for his British Israel; and in all this confusion may each one seriously ask himself, What have I done, how much have I done, to accumulate the sin of the nation? Oh, that it may be a soul-humbling time with us! May 'I be kept nearer to my God, liv
ing in a constant persuasion that he loves me, and will do all things well.
March 2. I have, since I wrote last, acted a most base and ungrateful part to that gracious and merciful God, who has in every instance proved himself to be long-suffering and abundant in goodness to me. I have had fresh discoveries of the evil of my own heart; and though it was in a painful way, I do desire to be thankful for it. I believe the LORD reproved me at a right season: I had grown proud of myself: he permitted the enemy, in a measure, to conquer me for the time. Oh, what an ugly spirit and temper was I in! I could have said any thing, if the LORD had not mercifully restrained me. Afterwards, I trust, I was humbled before him, and could truly say, there was no profit in that which, on reflection, I was ashamed of. May I, for the future, be made more watchful; and