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other comforts I enjoy. I can never tell you the gratitude that, I trust, I
may say, I have felt for them. The great things he has done for me, demand my continual praise. Yes, my
dear friend, since I last wrote to you or heard from you, I have experienced much of his goodness indeed. How excellent was his loving kindness to me at a moment never to be forgotten, both for sorrow and for joy! Yea, how truly excellent was it, the whole time I may say, of my pregnancy! I never in all my days before, felt such composure
of mind, such nearness of soul to the LORD. May it never be forgotten by me! the remembrance of it now is sweet; though the degree to which I felt it, I am sorry to say, is
gone: but perhaps, there is not the need be for it now, that there was then. My natural spirits were so uncommonly great, that, united to the unshaken dependence I had on the mercy of the LORD, nothing ever discouraged me, as it respected myself. I believe
I could then say (though I would not be too positive) " or life or death, 'tis equal weight." But, be this as it may, the fact is certain, that I did enjoy a great measure of resignation to the will of the LORD ; and now, that the important matter has been long since terminated, how can I be sufficiently thankful for the result, seeing he was pleased in due time to make me the mother of a living and well-formed child, and for the continued good hand that has been on my dear babe ! Ever since his birth he has scarcely ever known any thing of pain.—This day he is four months old, and thrives to the utmost extent of my wishes. Now, I am the subject of many feelings, while my heart is cleaving to him, and I am ready to do the utmost in my power to supply all his bodily wants and necessities. I feel sometimes almost an agony in my mind, when I reflect that I have been the instrument of bringing a being into existence, that must be eternally miserable or
happy. The importance of his soul lies much on my mind, and, could I secure its felicity, I think I could wrestle night and day with the LORD; but, oh! may I ever remember, that secret things belong unto him, that he is the Judge of all the earth, and will assuredly do right respecting me and mine! But it is a matter, however, I am convinced in my judgment, that by taking thought I can neither add to nor diminish from; because " the counsel of the LORD shall stand, and he will do all his pleasure” concerning him ; yet I cannot so easily, as I have often talked of, leave such matters to the LORD.
See, my dear friend, how I have run on! You have just had my sentiments as freely as they have occurred.—You will be pleased to pardon all that is amiss, and believe me, with our united christian love to Your affectionate, &c.
Margate, March 4, 1799.
I embrace with pleasure the first opportunity that presents itself, of acknowledging with thankfulness your kind favour; as I know not how soon I may be unavoidably prevented from so doing. I believe my dear friend has always hitherto been apprized of the Lord's kind dealings with me at these seasons of peculiar need, and I am not willing that she should think him less gracious now than heretofore, or that I am, upon the whole, more unmindful of this his indulgence than formerly. I have always had, and still have, great reason to complain of myself for base ingratitude, &c. and which, were we dealing with any other than God himself, would make it appear matter of wonder, that his hand is not shortened at all in these renewed tokens of love and kindness. My experience is not, I think, upon the whole,
so high as it has been before at these times ; but, I bless his name, that this does not discourage me at all ; because it makes me feel more entirely my dependence on him for all I have, and all the help I hope for. He has said, “ Call upon me in the day of “ trouble :” and I have reason to praise him, that I feel such a composure of spirit, and such a persuasion that he will hear me and deliver me, that doubts and fears are of short duration. That I should be haunted with them at all, does not surprise me; I cannot look upon two dear babes without at times experiencing very sensible emotions. I lament, I believe, as much as most mothers, my deficiencies of duty towards them ; but yet cannot but feel a secret self-preference, that makes me think their loss would be great, if my place were vacant ;
and this, upon the whole, is the greatest source of disquieting apprehensions of any that I expeperience; for as it respects myself, I know