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of being his child: and though I acknowledge that creatures are only as instruments in his hand, yet too apt am I to rebel against them, forgetting that they are only what he is pleased to make them. I say sometimes, “ Not my will, but thine be “ done,” (and I would believe and hope that in reality this is my desire) but then alas, how do I wish to make some secret reserve! In fact, I am at times so perplexed, that I am ready to give up all for lost, and to believe that my apparent most humble surrenders are the greatest acts of insincerity and hypocrisy. But yet after all, the LORD knows I would be right with him; and wherein I am deficient, in resigning myself and my every concern to his all-wise disposal, I pray that he would vouchsafe unto me a spirit willingly to give up every idol that stands in competition with himself, for “there is none on earth that I desire in comparison with him." No, he has been gracious to me
he is a tried Friend he has been my God, helping me in every time of past need and necessity; and I hope that my lips will always
open to shew forth his praise, and to declare what he has, in infinite mercy, done for my
soul. And I do hope and trust, that however he, in his great wisdom, may see fit to order respecting me in this very important matter, he will never leave me in any way to bring a disgrace upon the profession I have made. The thought of this wounds me much, and I pray that his honour may ever lie near my heart. I have fed upon unseen realities; and hope I shall never be left spiritually to starve; and that the LORD, by giving me my heart's desire, will not send leanness into my soul. “They that observe lying vanities,” it is truly said, “ forsake their own mercies.” Oh! my dear-om, unite with me in prayerthat I may not be left to experience this; and do be pleased to request on my
behalf, that the LORD will prepare me for whatever
unseen difficulties he has in reserve for me. Thus
will do me the greatest kindness, and afresh eyince to me, that you have a real regard for my welfare. I would not confine
you from making my dear - acquainted with any part of this letter which you may see prudent to communicate to him; but further I would not wish the contents to go. Indeed, you are the only person to whom I have made myself thus unreservedly known, and trust these frank confessions in my part will plead for a long epistle from you. My mother unites with me in the most affectionate remembrance to Believe me yours sincerely,
March 21, 1792.
Such a speedy reply to my imperfect scrawl has laid me under fresh obligations to
I received your letter as a peculiar mark of your affection to me, and many thanks are due to you for it. TA « friend in need is a friend indeed;' and I assure you, I never stood in such need of counsel and direction as at this time; nor did I ever feel so unwilling to receive instruction, that is, when it crosses my natural wishes and desires. Under a sense of this I desire to be humbled. I hope the LORD will teach me many useful lessons in this state of great embarrassment. Yes, I have talked of resignation to the will of the LORD, and I thought of it too; but now I find it at times a hard matter to feel it. Many are the mercies that I have to be thankful for; and one of the greatest is, that of being enabled to pour out my soul before the LORD in
prayer. Surely I never so highly prized an opportunity of going to a throne of grace as within these few months; and I do request that I may be enabled to act aright in this very
important affair that now calls for all sideration.
Be not under the least apprehension of giving offence by speaking your sentiments freely. I have, I believe, frequently said to you, that real faithfulness is a mark of true affection; and I still retain the same idea, being persuaded that many err, ignorantly, for want of a friend who will be sufficiently candid, to point out wherein they are wrong.
I am just apprised of 's intention of setting off for town this afternoon; and embrace it as a favourable opportunity of dropping a few lines to my dear --; indeed I am particularly urged to write, by -'s understanding from
had received no answer to your letter. It will greatly