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guage of my soul hereafter be, What have I to do any more with idols ? Oh that I may learn to rejoice with trembling! Now that she seems to be recovering, may my affections more than ever cleave to the LORD, the Fountain of all true happiness! Oh that my God would bless the means still using, and perfect her recovery to health and strength. Grant, gracious God, that my meditations this night may be sweet !
“ In secret silence of the mind,
With what tender feelings shall I this silent night watch my precious charge !
March 23. Yesterday fifteen years was the day of all others to be remembered by me: that in which the mercy of God secured a rebel to himself. Blessed be his dear name for what he then did, and continues to do for the most
unworthy! Oh what base returns of love hath my Creator found for love so infinite as his! Ah! my rebellious heart ! the seat of sin and sorrow. If future years, or days only, be allotted me, may my.steps be directed and kept in the ways of peace and purity! I have many things that I might speak of both as to mercy and judgment. The LORD in infinite wisdom has seen fit to put a negative to our wishes respecting some temporal things : but shall we, who have known so much of him, as a wonder-working God, give up all for lost? No-I dare not. I can trust my soul, and, blessed be his name, my body too, and those very near to me, in his dear hands.
April 24. How negligent am I in recounting the mercies of the LORD, which follow and increase towards me and mine! Not that I have been without the rod. Such a rebellious worm as I am can never expect this long together; unless the LORD were to say in his wrath, as he did of Ephraim, “ He is “ joined to idols, let him alone.” How richly does my idolatrous heart deserve this! though I think I can say, as far as I know myself, I dread more than death the thought of being given up to my own vile propensities. That's a true word, “ He that increaseth “ knowledge increaseth sorrow;" for I seem to live but to find more and more in myself to make me repent in dust and ashes. The Lord's infinitely wise conduct leads me to find out what a rebellious child I am. I am seldom long together without chastisement; and I know he never afflicts willingly or grieves the children of men, but that there is a good reason for it; and this I believe, in my case, to be my own sins and iniquities. My beloved husband has been much afflicted in body: Oh what feelings did I then experience! Such as are not to be described. How can I sufficiently praise the LORD for his recovery! Oh for a thankful heart !
May 31. Alas! Alas! how little do mortals know of joys or sorrows to come! As was proposed, I went to St. Peter's with my beloved children in safety—was very poorly in the week with a cold, &c; but on the Monday and Tuesday tolerable. On Wednesday the 12th was suddenly alarmed, and called home by the very sudden death, of the honoured father of my worthy husband. He had been as well as usual on that day, but was snatched into eternity in a moment, without the least previous warning! I found the affectionate, the dutiful son overwhelmed in tears. The supports of the gospel however, were not wanting to soothe his troubled breast; for, glory be to God! he is again enabled to hold up his head.
The Lord knows what I need, to enable me properly to conduct myself in so important a situation as that before me. Most sincerely may I confess, “ so foolish and “ ignorant am I, that, in this respect, I am " as a beast before him.” He knows what I feel of insufficiency in myself, and of my entire dependence on him for all: and Oh, will he condescend to be better to me than all my fears ? Give me the grace suited to my station; all the humility, the wisdom, prudence, courage, &c, &c, that I feel I want; strength of body and mind; and, above all, spirituality of soul. Sometimes I think I shall never be happy there; but God is the same in every place, and, as far as my happiness is made up in him, I trust I shall enjoy myself as much there, as, blessed for ever be his name, I have done here,