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such vile propensities, such heart-departures from God! Does heaven consist in conformity to the dear SAVIOUR? LORD, awaken my desires for the enjoyment !
Oh that we could witness better times with regard to the prosperity of Zion! But chiefly have I to lament my own self, my barrenness and unprofitableness. I never do the things that I would, in that ardent earnest way I wish to do. My heart does not enter into the spirit of prayer as I would have it; and this is the very life of the soul: our experience will never be good till we have melting seasons at the throne of grace. But I am often driven from it by a hurrying spirit. Oh that the LORD would make me more holy! then I should be more happy and more devoted to him. Oh for a good day to-morrow !
Oh that it may please the LORD to answer the many fervent
prayers, which have lately been offered among us by our ministering brethren! Lord, look upon and qualify thy dear servant (our newly appointed pastor) for every part of his important work, and crown all his labours with abundant success! Oh, do him and all of us good, for the dear SAVIOUR's sake! Exceed all that we can think or ask on our united accounts, and thy name alone shall have the praise. And will the LORD also condescend to look upon his unworthy creature, and bless her with his presence, and preserve her through the painful period to which she fast approaches ? Sometimes
my heart is ready to sink at the prospect; at others, I rejoice in being thus brought into a state of entire dependence on God. Oh that it may be well with myself, and in every respect so with my dear babe !
Last Tuesday evening, the 20th of this month, I was delivered (Oh how mercifully!) of a dear girl. How shall I ever praise the LORD, who so speedily helped me from an extremity of pain beyond what I almost ever experienced ! My heart seems melted down under a sense of peculiar mercy; and I do most cheerfully devote all I have and am afresh to the service of that kind and gracious God, who so tenderly pitied the low estate of his handmaid, who so graciously condescended to my requests, and was better, abundantly better to me than all my fears !
Brought nearly to the close of another year. Oh what innumerable mercies have I received ! LORD, make me thankful and still dependent upon thee! I have chiefly to write this morning in the way of lamenta
tion. Oh my evil heart! ever prone to leave the LORD. Now that he has brought me through my trouble, I neither feel so grateful as I ought to do for the past, nor so dependent (as I really am) on him for the future! But what shall I say of the continued mercy of my God? It is to that I am indebted for the health of myself, and the best of husbands, and the dear children, my much loved Elizabeth not excepted. LORD grant that she may grow up to chuse her mother's part! but with far more credit to religion, glory to God, and comfort to her own soul.
February 1, 1802.
The year has commenced, and a month of it elapsed without my here acknowledging the good hand of God, which has been over me and all mine! All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth. Oh for a heart to feel them so at all times and under all circum
stances! My dearly beloved Elizabeth has been exceedingly ill indeed. Saturday last my heart was very, very full: I really thought I should have lost her. But in the midst of truly deserved judgment, the LORD remembered mercy. I was very much distressed Appearances were very gloomy; but my
distress was principally aggravated by the painful fear that my sins had procured it all. This melted my idolatrous heart. Never sure was such a rebel against mercy, judgment, and repeated fatherly corrections. I have often indeed feared I loved her too much, and then I very keenly reaped the fruits of my inordinate attachment. When I lost my still much-loved John, I thought then I had such a lesson as I should never forget. Little did I then think my heart would be betrayed into the same immoderate love. Oh that by the special blessing of God, this may most effectually cure me of my evil propensity! May the constant lan