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“ me thine heart," and he knows that I would he should have the highest place in it.
I am this afternoon left alone-May I be enabled truly to say “ Alone, and yet not
alone, because the Father is with me.”-It is his presence that will make the most dreary and solitary situation desirable. I confess I feel a great gloom prevailing within; though I cannot say, from any particular cause. But I really believe it is more bodily than mental; in this respect we are very apt to be deceived, and I am firmly persuaded that the enemy of souls will take a great advantage of our natural spirits, either one way or the other. Oh that I may, by having such repeated experience of his devices, get more acquainted with them, and be the better able to resist them!
I do sensibly feel that in my present circumstances, I cannot do the things that I would, and that I do the things that I would not. But Oh, when I look back and see how I have been brought thus far, contrary to my expectations, and I am sure contrary to my deservings; it ought (for my consolation) to be the language of my heart, " That he would never have shewn me such
things” of himself and myself, “ if he had “meant to have destroyed me.” Triumph then faith, in the sufficiency of an omnipotent GOD, and never yield to the suggestions of sin, Satan, and unbelief. Here I would raise my Ebenezer," for hitherto the Lord hath “ brought me." Praise to all glorious grace, abounding to me a sinner, through the merits of his dear Son, and revealed by the blessed Spirit to my soul.
The Lord forgive me all that I have done amiss this evening. Oh what a treacherous and deceitful heart have I to deal with ! Little indeed, was I aware, that I was guilty of those things with which I have been charged! and how did I hate the reproof, though it was well timed, well spoken, and came from the right quarter! LORD GOD of heaven, Thou unto whom the most secret intentions are open, be pleased, if I am justly accused, to make it plain and evident to me; that I may acknowledge it to Thee and to him! Oh do Thou give me, to know more and more of my vile self, abominable, proud wretch that I'am! Do Thou, Oh do Thou, for CHRIST's sake, humble me in
my own esteem, and grant unto me a more teachable, childlike temper ; that I may
be enabled to take reproof with a better spirit than I have this night or hitherto done.
I have had several debates in my own mind, with my book before me, whether or
not, I should take up my pen; as I seem to have little to commit to paper ; and yet, can I want a subject, who am continually receiving such manifold gifts, in grace and providence, from a kind and indulgent Father and Friend? Surely not ! and yet how faint, how languid are our sayings, are our writings, unless something out of the ordinary way is manifested, to be as a kind of stimulus to set our cold hearts and heads to the great work, for which, as one great end, we are the preserved of the LORD ; even to glorify him in our generation, by speaking well and writing well of his great and marvellous doings for us, the rebellious children of an apostate head.
The cloud that greatly oppressed and hung over me, when I last put pen to paper, is scattered and lost, with the many others that are passed; and things are brought
again into their usual state of peace and tranquillity. To whom am I indebted for this ? Surely to none other, than that kind and merciful God who evidently interposed on our behalf. For this, I hope, I felt a grateful spirit; but ah! how desperately wicked is my heart ! no sooner does the LORD do away one trial, than I make myself another ! I have this day grieved his Holy Spirit. I have greatly to lament that I was left under the influence of my own perverse and obstinate will. I cannot blame my God-Far be that from me.-I am undeserving the least of his care. In this particular, he gave me to see my own weakness.—I was certainly in a very warm unbecoming temper. I reproved her to whom I ought to have held my peace.
I have offended with that unruly member the tongue. I spake unadvisedly with my lips. But, was not my spirit provoked? That it certainly was; but I would cease to justify myself.—I desire to acknow.