"PERHAPS some of your 'traveled' readers, who have both read of and seen the celebrated Portland Vase, in the British Museum, which was bought in' by one of the members of the Portland family for the moderate sum of something over one thousand pounds sterling, will see just where the laugh comes in while perusing the following: HERE is an old-time letter that reads as if it might have been written in our day: "GERMAN FLATTS, August 2, 1776. "SIR,-You are to proceed with all convenient speed to Fort Stanwix. As soon after your arrival as you conveniently can, you are to send down Captain Paterson and Corporal Ross to this place, together with such witnesses. if any there be at Fort Stanwix, who can give any inform"A lady who had seen the original vase was look-ation to a general court-martial respecting the effects said ing over the ornamental department of a large crock- to be taken out of the house of Sir John Johnson, at Johnsery establishment in the city of Buffalo, and seeing town. I am, Sir, your most obedient humble Servant, an imitation of it, inquired the price, remarking, 'I see that it is an imitation of the Portland Vase.' 'Yes,' said the clerk; 'the real thing comes very high!"" "BEING a constant reader of your excellent Magazine, and seeing but few contributions to the Editor's Drawer from this City of Churches, we would add our mite, that your many readers may be edified by the knowledge that the smart children are not all out West, but that the East contains a few: "Know then that we have in our possession a bright, black-eyed little girl of two and a half years, who has a decided literary taste. A few days ago her mother took her in the parlor. The little one sat a few moments looking around, as if selecting something to amuse herself with; refusing her playthings, and casting her eyes on a volume on the centre-table, she said, with all gravity, 'Mamma, may I have John Milton to read?'" "PH. SCHUYLER." A CLERICAL correspondent says: "A short time ago, while making parochial visits, I was conversing with a friend concerning a gentleman who was a few months before bereft of his wife, the mother of a little boy whom she had left. Little Jeannie Watts, not five years old, was an attentive and apparently very interested listener, for she had undoubtedly heard our conversation. At length she said, 'Oh, little Georgie is going to have a new mother!' "Oh no,' said the mother of Jeannie, 'Georgie's mother is dead! how can he have another?' "Jeannie hesitated for a moment, not a little puzzled; and, as if struck by a new thought abundant for the solution of the difficulty, with eyes gleaming with satisfaction, she exclaimed, 'Oh, well, the new one will be a stair-mother!'" THE following boarding-school anecdote comes from Tennessee: "Monsieur D, our French teacher, is small of stature, but has a temper that will count 'nineteen to the dozen.' One day, owing to the carelessness or stupidity of his pupils, he became very irate, and after giving them a seething lecture, concluded his exordium with these impressive words: "Young Ladees, I am in earnest! [Here an emphatic stamp of the foot marked a sforzando movement.] I tell you I sall be a LION to this class! but, my dear-[with a bland bow to Carrie P, who had proved the exception that marked the general rule of dullness]-my dear, I sall be like a mutton to you! "Exit Monsieur D and his class in various moods of mind."" "Or late Vermont seems to be neglected in the Drawer; but that does not signify that all the good things have been told which have happened in that land of patriotism and Morgan horses: and as an evidence of the fact, here is my contribution. As the parties are living, I will designate them by initials: "A minister of the Universalist denomination was on trial, before a council convened for the purpose, for unministerial conduct. These councils were com posed of ministers and lay members; and when any church failed to appoint a delegation, it was the custom to invite any member happening to be present from that church to a seat in the council. The offending brother took advantage of this custom to secure the services of the eminent lawyer F. The case was opened by Parson S, who was more severe, perhaps, than the circumstances seemed to justify. When he had concluded, Squire Farose and said, that inasmuch as the brother had admitted his fault, and expressed penitence, it was their duty as Christians to apply the parable of the Prodigal Son and receive him back.' Parson S replied, 'This case is not exactly parallel; for if I remember rightly (and here he looked Squire F- full in the face) the Prodigal Son didn't take a lawyer along with him to plead his case.' 'But,' retorted the Squire, in another point it is parallel, for it does appear that the Prodigal had a brother there who wouldn't receive him.'" A WESTERN lawyer writes to the Drawer: "On my slate I found written to-day the following: "Yu welle by im de Geschewerer offese att tu okloke.' "Lest your readers may not know what was meant, I would say that I have a German client who meant to say, 'You will be in the Squire's office at two o'clock."" "BEFORE the war began, and when our busy streets were blockaded by merchandise, I was walking along the levee with a friend. In front of us was a large mass of dry-goods, distended by an enormous hoop frame, swaying from side to side, occupying and sweeping the whole available space along the sidewalk. "A tall countryman was coming in the opposite direction. As he approached the moving mass he evidently was embarrassed as to how he should get by it-who has not been? However, he watched his opportunity, and seeing a small clear space on one side made a dash for it, but when he put his foot on it it wasn't there. Instead, he stepped upon a mass of the moving drapery. There was a lady inside of it, and of course it brought her up all stannin'-nothing tore-and as she straightened up she exclaimed, energetically, One Sunday, when he was to preach at Moline, he walked into the pulpit and opened the Bible, as was his custom, at random. He happened to open at the first chapter of Matthew, and began to read, and read the second verse as follows: "Abraham forgot Isaac; and Isaac forgot Jacob; and Jacob forgot Judas and his brethren." The old man seemed somewhat puzzled to find any application for this Scripture, but at length started ahead. "My friends," said he, "this passage of Scripture is meant to teach us the shortness of human memory, and it does seem to me that them old patreacks was mighty forgitfull." A BOSTONIAN writes to the Drawer: "The Rev. Dr., of our city, was to supply the pulpit of the Rev. Orville Dewey, whilom of your city. Taking the Sound boat on Saturday "Well, one thing is certain-there is no polite-night, he did not arrive at the pier, in consequence ness in this town!' "No, mom,' was the emphatic reply, as he marched off, not for animals that drags their tails on the ground!" MR. M, of Moline, Illinois, has been a kind of a preacher for several years. He at length got the notion that it was wrong to make any preparation for his sermon, believing that his duty required that he should trust to the inspiration of the moment. of a dense fog, until long after the bells had ceased to call the people to church. He immediately jumped into a cab and drove with all ha to the church, jumped out, whispered to the sexton to pay the driver, and walked with ministerial dignity up the aisle. When about to ascend the steps of the pulpit a hand was laid on his shoulder, and you may judge his surprise on turning to behold cabby with outstretched hand for his fare! This must be true, for he told it himself." WE take the following, just as it stands, word for word, letter for letter, from a Georgia newspaper : WE TO THE PUBLIC. ARE VERY SORY to learn that there is a base calumnious report, and slandrous relative to T. MORE HARMON, Prof. of practical Penmanship, and there has been some very harsh and unjust strictures passed relative to the said T. MORE HARMON as regards his reputation, and we take occasion to say to the Public, that we are truly sory to have to say, that, there are many for the want of firm stability, and social sobriety, could Assert such base unfounded calumnous reports without cause or foundation relative to said T. MORE HARMON, Prof. of practical Penmanship, for we think Prof. HARMON, is a gentleman of high talent and sound verasity, and worthy of the office that he occupies, and gives general satisfaction. MANY CITIZENS. I take great pleasure in eulogising the citizens by way of commendation, relative to T. MORE HARMON, per-se. In advance of the charges in relation to me per-se, as being confined in the walls of prison or common Jail of the county of Milton in the town of Alpharetta, for debt, of which it is a town and county, that I never possessed an opportunity of visiting in all the days of my life. I, also, take occasion to specify to the respectable citizens of the surrounding country, that these reports madam rumor, indulges a desire, at my expense, that I was married to a lady in the neighborhood of Alpharetta; this is without foundation in truth. Now throwing off my reserve, and extricating myself from this catastropheous incumbent report and critical position, as being presumed by my competitors, or false reporters, I emphatically state to the PUBLIC that these slanderous and calumnous reports are false in the highest degree. I take the occasion to say by way of remark, that not by any means do I presume to avail myself, so far as my capacity and stability is concerned, to predict for the character or capacity of said lady, for I have never formed any acquaintance with said lady in my life, but, I entertain the most pleasant thoughts to said lady, not doubting in the least but what she is a lady of refinement and respectability, and sufficiently worthy of the address or respect of any gentleman, but, my whole desire is to substantiate a fact that it is a fathomless unfounded presumption palmed off upon me per-se. Although I respect the femenime gender, in every instance, and desire to treat them with gentility, but, I only publish these things in self defense, as a just perusal derogatory to my character, that the truth might forever stand. N. B. Whereas, to all whom it may concern, permit me to say to you, by way of reference as regards my charac ter and reputation, just refer to the respectable citizens of Oglethorpe, and Elbert counties, where I have been born and raised from my earliest infancy up to the presant period, and hear the conclusive sentiment of the respectable citizens of the above specified counties, now in short conclusion, I leave the subject discretionary with the mot fastidious to inspect or locate. T. MORE HARMON. |