AN old acquaintance writes that there is among | his acquaintances one at least who enjoys a high reputation, for he stands over seven feet in his stockings. Though a talented member of the bar, he is a good-natured, modest citizen. Some years ago, when the Broadway Theatre was the theatre of town, he saw fit to witness the performances from a prominent seat in the parquette. When the curtain rose and the actors advanced to their position, a cry of "Down in front!" became general throughout the audience. Their attention was directed toward the tall B, who, feeling himself the object of remark, thought that he was required to settle a little. Looking as if he would like to settle through the floor, he proceeded to raise himself to a standing position, in such a manner, however, as to convey an impression that there was no end to him. At last he did get straightened out to his full length, when, slowly glancing around at the astonished audience, he very deliberately remarked, "Gentlemen, to satisfy you that I was sitting down, I will now stand up!" A burst of laughter and applause succeeded; audience and actors became convulsed; the curtain descended rapidly; the manager with beaming face came forward, and, amidst the wildest applause, conducted the gentleman to a private box. THE following story of ex-Governor Grimes is vouched for by one who knew him well: The Legislature had just convened at the capital of Iowa. Governor Grimes had arrived the night before, and taken rooms at a certain hotel-at least so a young aspirant for office from a distant portion of the State ascertained as he drove up and alighted from his carriage at the steps of that public house. The hostler threw out his trunk, and the landlord conducted him to his room, leaving the trunk in the bar-room. VOL. XXIV.-No. 139.-I* Wishing his trunk, the young man demanded to have it brought up, and seeing a man passing through the lower hall, whom he took to be the porter, he gave his commands in an imperious and lofty tone. The order was obeyed; and the man charging a quarter of a dollar for his services, a marked quarter, that was good for only twenty cents, was slipped slyly into his hand, and was put into his pocket by the man with a smile. "And now, Sirrah!" cried the new arrival, "you know Governor Grimes?" "Oh yes, Sir." "Well, take my card to him, and tell him I wish an interview at his earliest convenience." A peculiar look flashed from the man's blue eyes, and with a smile, extending his hand, he said, "I am Governor Grimes, at your service, Sir." "You-I-that is, my dear Sir, I beg-a-a thousand pardons!" "None needed at all, Sir," replied Governor Grimes. "I was rather favorably impressed with your letter, and had thought you well suited for the office specified. But, Sir, any man who would swindle a working-man out of a paltry five cents would defraud the public treasury had he an opportunity. Good-evening, Sir!" 66 ARRAH, me darlint!" cried Jamie O'Falagen to his loquacious sweet-heart, who had given him no opportunity of even answering her remarks during a two hours' ride behind his little bay nags in his oyster-wagon-"are ye afther knowin' why yer cheeks are just like my ponies there?" "Sure an' it's because they're red, is it?" quoth blushing Bridget. "Fath, an' a better raisen than that, mavourneen. Because there is one uv thim each side of a wagin' (wagon) tongue!" A KENTUCKY subscriber writes: "Tom Stevenson said to Raccoon John Smith: 'Mr. Smith, don't you think your interest is with the South?' The old preacher replied, 'Do you think I'm so great a fool as to expect interest where there is no principal?' Stevenson edits the Kentucky Yeoman-a disunion paper; and John Smith is an aged preacher of the Gospel, known all over Kentucky by the sobriquet Raccoon." The following story, given by the Drawer as having occurred between other parties, originated really between Smith and a brother preacher. Said the preacher to him: "I can not tell why it is that my beard turns gray more rapidly than the hair on my head." "I can tell you," replied Smith; "you use your jaws more than you do your brains." THIS commercial incident comes from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, C. S. A.: "A tall, gaunt chap, verdant as the woods he came from, walked into P's clothing-store, and, in a style of tongue I can't embody in ink, asked one of the clerks to let him have a suit of clothes on tick.' Clerk not feeling authorized to do any thing of the kind, referred him to P. Verdant applying was asked his name, which was given. shaking his head ruefully, said: 'No; I don't like that name. A man of your name once bought a bill of goods from me and never paid for them.' P A WISCONSIN friend sends the foregoing specimen of an improved aboriginal, which, if sufficiently civilized, he requests us to secure in the Drawer: "One of the Indians of a small band of the Chippewa tribe, by the name of Jerry Chebo, or Gebo, professes to have become civilized, as his own words will testify. "I no more Ingen; I hiteman-ugh! I dress like hiteman, I talk like hiteman, I drinks hisky like hiteman, I gets drunk like hiteman-ugh! I no more Ingen; I hiteman!' Then, with a laugh, will ask for a lit munnee to get a lit hisky!'" IN the little village of P- lives Mr. Scholte, a well-known Hollander, noted as much for his modest demeanor and unassuming excellence as for his talent and education. At a public meeting of some kind Mr. Scholte met with a Mr. Elliot, an ostentatious sort of personage, fond of praise and distinction. "My friends," said Mr. Elliot, "I have spent years in obtuse investigations; I have roamed the earth from tropic to tropic; I have sought knowledge at every fountain; and after all I am nothing but a fool!" "Dat ish so! dat ish so!" said Mr. Scholte, earnestly, to himself, yet in a sufficiently loud voice to be heard all over the house; and Mr. Elliot, confounded, broke down entirely, amidst the laugh of the congregation, much to the astonishment of Mr. Scholte, who simply coincided with the idea the speaker wished to convey of how little a man knows in comparison with what there is to be known. Sir! When you get a man in a narrow box like that, and his hands tied across his breast, it's a long time till day with him!" Suffice it to say that he broke up the funeral, and "poor old Tom" was buried without further ceremony. ONE evening the Doctor and I, all alone, Were quietly sipping our tea, When he sighed, and declared in a sorrowful tone, As he turned his small eye upon me: "I wish I had ne'er studied medicine, Joe;" "WHO was ever on an ocean steamer where there was not one individual forming the centre around which all the fun of the cabin gathered and radiated? Our public character was an old original who, by real or affected greenness, excited no little amusement. One day, at the dinner-table, after a funny rigmarole, accompanied by expressive gestures, which kept our risibles continually excited, he came to a dead pause, and watched attentively the movements of his vis-à-vis, who was helping himself to almonds, taking at the same time the last pair of nut-crackers. When the nuts were MILA handed to our friend he helped himself, and then, stretching his hand over toward his opposite neighbor-Stranger, hand me them ar things, ef you please!' said he. ABOUT twenty years since there lived in the county of Amherst, Virginia, two well-known characters. They were neighbors and boon-companions of long standing. Old Tom kept a "doggery," and his friend Andrew was a frequent visitor. He often remained several days, which were spent drinking and "carrying on" generally. After one of these regular visits, and his friend had gone home, Old Tom died. Two days after, when the neighbors had assembled to pay the last and only tribute of respect to the deceased, Andrew returned for another frolic. Not having heard of his old friend's death, he could not imagine what had assembled the crowd. The company were all in the house, and he could not inquire. As In he walked; and his surprise can be imagined when he saw the corpse of his old friend in the coffin, still exposed to view. There was but one vacant seat, and that right at the head of the coffin. he took it Old Tom's coon-dog (as if glad to meet a sympathizing friend) came up and laid his head in his lap. About this time the minister had commenced reading the opening hymn. Andrew was much distressed, and his heart was so full that he I could not hold in any longer. With the tears streaming down his face, he commenced, in a very audible tone, "Poor old Tom! poor old Tom! poor. old Tom !" and hugging the old sympathizer that had laid his head in his lap, he continued: "Here is as good an old coon-dog as ever lived;" and turning to the minister, who had not yet concluded his hymn, he said, "Stop, Mr. Day; stop, 666 "Sir!' said the gentleman thus brought into notice, in a tone of mystification. "Them ar-r bullet-moulds, I mean, Sir!' with an explanatory movement of the digits of the still outstretched arm. "It is needless to say that the 'bullet-moulds' were surrendered, and the old gentleman ate his nuts undisturbed by the unsuppressed mirth of the spectators." "My friend lives three miles from the post-office; | named Brown, was one evening approaching the and one stormy night last winter he told his new help to harness the horse, go down to the office, and see what there was in his box, giving him the number. In due time Jerry returned, and putting up horse made his appearance at the library door of Mr. C, who, sitting in gown and slippers, was impatiently waiting the arrival of the mail. "Well, Jerry, what was there for me?' "Two letters and a paper, Sir.' "Well, hand them to me! What are you standing there for?' box-office of one of our Broadway theatres to purchase a ticket of admission. It was somewhat late, and but one or two persons entering at the time he reached the building. But as he was putting his hand in his pocket for his money he was accosted by an individual of respectable appearance, who politely inquired of our friend if he could change a bill for him. Mr. Brown replying he thought so, brought forth several silver coins from the recesses of his pocket, the largest of which was a fifty-cent piece. The stranger looked at the cash, bowed, thanked him, and took the half-dollar. Without another word he handed the coin to the box-keeper, and the next moment was in the theatre, leaving agape with wonder the gentleman whose funds he had thus appropriated. After Mr. Brown had recovered from the effects of this singular proceeding he entered the "Jerry had to harness up again, and take another temple devoted to Thespis. But the unknown abride in the cold, muttering as he went that he wish-stractor, who was now enjoying the performances in ed his Honor would be after maning what he said next time."" "Indade, Sir, and you didn't tell me to bring them, at all at all!' "Mr. C, finding that Jerry had the best of it, asked him what he went to the office for. "You tould me to go to the office and see what was in the box, and haven't I done it, sure?' "THE Coolness of the person who after drinking a glass of Richardson's ale at the bar-room of a hotel walked off saying he would pay that gentleman for it, is remarkable; but the audacity of the individual who figures in the following is more wonderful: A clerk of one of our large houses down town, I some snug corner of the house, was never seen again. Of course not. Our friend was done Brown." "LAST Sunday my little boy Ike, three years and a half old, went to church for the first time. His mother gave him a penny to put into the contribution-box, which he did, and sat quiet for a few moments, and then wanted to know how soon the man was coming with the candy." church known by the very classic name of 'Coon Tail.' Inspirited by a crowded house, Uncle Bob turned himself loose in his most tragic style. He beat, stamped, and vociferated terribly. For some time previous the rude pulpit had been unoccupied. Invited by the apparent security and quiet of the place, a community of 'bumble-bees' had built a nest beneath. Uncle Bob's peculiar mode of conducting the services had disturbed the insects; and just as he was executing one of his most tremendous gestures an enraged bee met him half way, and popped his sting into the end of Uncle Bob's huge nose. He stopped short, gave sundry vigorous but ineffectual slaps, when he heard a half-suppressed titter from some merry youths in a far corner of the house. Turning toward them with ill-concealed rage, he exclaimed, 'No laughing in the house of God; I allow no laughing in my meetings. I'll thrash the first man that laughs as soon as service is over!' This threat checked the incipient merriment. Uncle Bob regained his composure, forgot the bees, and soon warmed up to a two-forty lick. But again, in the midst of the most impassioned gesticulation, a bee struck him full in the forehead; he bowed, dodged, and beat the air frantically, until a roar of laughter rose from the congregation. Uncle Bob looked at them a moment with mingled feelings of rage and disgust, and then shouted, 'Meetin's dismissed! Go home! Just go home, every one of you! But as for me [taking off his coat], I don't leave this hill as long as there's a bumble-bee about the house!' "There was a sermon and a bumble-bee's nest spoiled that day, certain." DEACON PINE was a faithful instructor, taking advantage of any thing that could induce the young idea to engage in target practice. While questioning the reading-class, his attention was called to the line, "My friends are sleeping 'neath the yew," and thinking it a fitting time to speak of the uncertainties of life, he turns to the precocious Abraham Linerman, and says, "Do you understand the meaning of this?" "Yes, Sir," answered Abraham. "What does it mean?" asked Deacon Pine, in a serious monotone. |